The ageing factor

I have realized that at this age I'm the most uncertain and undecided of things in my life than I ever was. I was never this way. I had planned everything and I always knew what I wanted to do with myself and my life. But now that I am growing up I don't know yet. Feels weird because if anything, I should have known better. But no, I don't know if its midlife crisis or just a phase in life and it kind of scares me at times. I don't know if i should give it sometime and it would settle automatically or what. But I think its high time to figure things and sort them out. I can no more blame it on others or age or situations. I have to take the ownness and do something about it. My confidence seems to be at an all time low. Things which I am good at don't make me happy anymore. I don't love learning new things anymore. And everything combined is taking a toll on me. Stress is at an all time high and I don't know if its valid or not or I am just making a fuss out of it. People I have ever loved love someone else or planning to love someone else and I don't know how and what to do about it. There's a lot of chaos inside the tiny little gray matter and the only thing that is keeping it from exploding is the lesson of ignorance, which I know is bad and a time will come where I will have to find answers to all those hidden questions and more over accept all of them. Life is becoming unusual and unpredictable and I don't know what to do.

Getting over

Getting over is not a problem. It's a solution. Solution to the denial mode of one's self, to the chaotic mind of a person and so that mind and body which was at emotional war for long. It teaches you to see past your own problems and situations that the world is diving into an altogether different set of issues, much larger than  your own. It tells you that it is okay to bypass your bay and arrive at a later stage in life wherein things can seem pretty differently. More over it teaches you that life is full of imperfections. Its not like the movies and novels that we grew up watching and reading. Its not the bed of roses as it is usually depicted whatsoever. It denotes you to see life beyond all the problems and imperfections towards things and aspects of life which make you as a person more meaningful. It is probably seeking yourself on the divine aspect of life. It does not mean that you are stupid enough not to repair things but it means that you are sane enough to understand that somethings should be better let go. Not that I truly believe in what I am writing right now but it doesn't hurt anyone, does it? And after all why not a bit of wisdom after so many years ;-)

There is a lot that needs to be done

There is a lot we can change

There is a lot we can process

There is a lot we have to see

And there is a lot we can foresee.

There are still avenues undisclosed

There are still inventions to be shown

There are still issues to be solved

There are still problems to be talked.

There is still performance to be improved

There is still a destiny to be faced

There is still a fate to be written

There is still confidence to be gotten.

There is still perfection to be improved

There is still ideology to be sensed

There is a lot that needs to be done

Until the only life before it’s gone.

In see you in the rain

I see you in the rain

You smile at life but I know there is pain

You defer to talk about it

And I know what it means

At times life is chaos and mess

Rest is all sorrows and sins

I would say you need to sail

But you have you set yourself free without a bail

People say life doesn't stop and should go on

Though I don't believe in it that's how life tricks you at dawn

Stay strong sweetheart is all what I can say

There will be a time when life will be beautiful again

Your smile is precious on this barren piece of land

So try to preserve it in wind rain and sand

All I know is life can’t be unfair to you

After all that you have said and all that you do

I will pray that God bestows his best and choicest wishes upon you

And time will tell you that these wishes are going to be true.

I'll let it be ...

I have got a feeling

You don't wanna talk that talk

Now I know this for sure

Don't wanna do the old-time walk

I am not being mad at you

I am disappointed in my own poise

I cannot express it out

There is lot of chaos but no noise

Probably you are giving it back to me

What I once did to you

Karma is a bi**h my dear friend

It hits you back when you have no slightest clue

The feeling hurts and pinches from within

It seems useless and helpless in this skin

Lot of insecurities dwells inside me

I for once wanna set it all free

I don't wanna push it at all

Coz this is no war to win

If things are meant to be

There will be an ultimate spin

Your happiness is what I wish for

No matter what the cost

You have to be happy and smile

Even if that means I am lost

I am ready to accept the charge

These are life boundaries which I cannot barge

All combined into one thing and set it to flame

All this fuss and shit and I will take all the blame.

Life is better

Life can get better only if you wish to
Happiness is only a state of mind
Smiling is not that tough after all
You gotta learn to sail the rain, sun and the wind.

A sweetheart for me

I can still see you in my eyes

I don't care wheres whos and whys

I can still remember the smell of you

It's still as fresh as today's dew

I see the chairs besides the garden

Where you sat just next to me

Rain drops spilling over me

And you sharing the umbrella with me as you see

When I promised to live with you and die

And you agreed to the same without a why

My world knew no bounds with a smile

That phase was still in time for a while

The flowers chocolates rains and mist

Gives me a shivering chill without a gist

All the snaps and my life was re lived

I was telling a tale with me and you glued

Now that I am very far away from everything

Is my happiness wish to you from the universe and thee

The last thing I would assure you is

You were and will always remain a sweetheart for me!

Yeh lafz kabhi keh nahi paayenge

Yeh lafz kabhi keh nahi paayenge
Yeh aankhein kabhi bol nahi paayenge
Hamaari saase ruk jaayengi us din
Jis din hum tumse door ho jaayenge

Saara fasaana yaad aayega
Woh hasi majaak ladai jhagde rona aur muskurahat
Jab jaaogi tum hamesha ke liye
Aur hum tumhe rok bhi naa paayenge

Ek din yeh sab kuch chodkar hum bhi chale jaayenge
Firse tumhe kabhi nahi satayenge
Fir chahe kitna bhi bula lena hame
Chahkar bhi hum kabhi laut ke naa aayenge

Happiness is not in receiving, but giving!

Hey sweetheart

I was a bull’s eye for your dart

It’s been years now that I saw you

And I liked u even before I knew

U were kind and gentle

It was me who was mental

Through all these years in thick and thin

We played games with loss and win

Buy life plays the ultimate game

And we can’t blame with anyone’s name

I agree I made u cry a million times

And so I deserved everything with heavy lines

Thanks for being such a wonderful friend

I hope you would think the same until the end

I won’t expect anything from you

All my expectations from you I would just skew

You have got a beautiful life

It shall remain so without any strife

May god bless you with all my happiness

An give your sorrows to me to harness

You will always have a special place in my heart

Until breath makes us apart

May with each coming day you get rid of your tension and illness

And become strong and more beautiful in this process

Keep smiling forever, never vent a frown

I hope there’s never a moment when you feel down

Enjoy every day to the maximum you can

To make you happy has always been my plan

Will stop my funny and irritating lines now

But I mean much more than what I said just now.

Tumhare bin ...

Labon pe jo bata thi

Tumse kabhi keh na sake

Tumhare saath jeena chahte the

Tumhare bin reh na sake

Referential integrity of an entity called life

Referential integrity is needed to keep the entity as a particular and the database as a whole in synchronized state. If a primary key value of a particular table is deleted or tampered with, either the corresponding key value of the foreign table should be deleted (known as cascade) or a message should be generated and the delete operation should be stopped. If none of these steps are carried out, the database goes for a toss rendering itself completely useless.

Sounds as a simple rule in databases, right? But when applied to a larger entity called ‘life’, the database definitions start getting more complex. A column which is the primary key of a given table has necessarily undergone the polling session when it was appointed as the primary key of that table at the first place. So, that means everyone (including the table and the key selected to be the primary key) knows its importance in the bigger role and the bigger world. All the further transactions and definitions of some of the larger database tables, now depend on the definition of this table. Various static and dynamic definitions are executed and various objects are created and altered accordingly in order to fit the integrity of this entity into the whole database. There are many new entities (smaller as well as larger, some even as critical as life itself) based on the current definition of this entity.

But, when this key in being deleted (for whatever reason) from the entity, referential integrity rule should, ideally, be applied right? That means, even the other primary key values should be deleted (in a cascaded manner) or a (strict) message should be displayed that this delete operation cannot (could not is too lenient a term for database errors ) be performed. But this does not happen and the key is deleted without taking into consideration any warnings or messages or even the possible threat of a complete database crash. This ultimately results in a complete disaster leaving the database in a totally unsynchronized manner and sometimes even crashes it rendering it completely useless. Only use of this database, then would be to query junk and some reference data.

Thus it is vividly clear that even though referential integrity is a small and simple concept in databases but when it comes to a larger entity called life, it is not that simple as we/people think.

Zindagi jeene ka naam hai ....

Bheeg jaane de aaj mujhe
Aansoo bahane de
Dho lene de saare paap
Ganga nahane de

Chaar dino ka pyaar hi sahi
Use pee lene de
Choti si zindagi ko
Aaj jee lene de

Pyaar jo badnaam hua hai
Use saaf karne de
Uski saari galtiyaa
Aaj maaf karne de

Khushiyaa jo bach gayee hai
Unhe baant lene de
Zindagi ke saare gamo ko
Aaj chchaant lene de

Zindagi jeene ka naam hai
Mujhe maan lene de
Aaj fir ek baar
Us nacheej ko jaan lene de.

Insomniac

Sleepless nights draw me into the vast void space which I have always been fascinated by but actually never witnessed it to such an extreme extent. And when it’s here, it’s simply terrifying. It scares the shit out of me. Tears have nowhere to go than to fall down from the eyes into the outside ocean. The body has left the soul behind long back. It’s just a mere organismic pool. It all might seem very fascinating to read but believe me it’s an awful feeling. I don’t know about it, but people call it depression. Every single thing has been affected and I am hating it. And above all what makes me feel angry and awe is the fact that I am feeling helpless. And I can’t do anything about it. I mean you don’t plan all the things in your life just to screw them at the end. Or do you? Every single time. I have been trying out hard to figure out the things. Can’t say whether I have been able to do that, but I am trying to keep my cool. I don’t know why and for what, but I am trying to do that. And I really don’t know why. I am psyched.

But I have decided to face it. I have decided to stand strong this time. No matter what it takes. I will see everything with my eyes and I don’t care what cost I might have to pay for it. But I will be there to witness it till the last moment. I have decided to rise up. I have decided to live.

Difficulties

The most difficult job on the face of this earth is to fake your happiness. But sometimes you are so badly fixed up that you just cannot afford to be sad. Atleast you have to show to the world that you are happy and strong. Believe me its very difficult to show your silver lining when there is a tornado ripping up inside your heart.

But you have to face it and you have to face it alone. Because this is your life and this is your war. No one is going to support you and above all you should not expect anyone to stand by you. If they do, you are lucky. But if they don't try to be strong on your own guts.

Today you are bruised and badly hurt but a day will come when you will grow strong. Have faith in yourself and wait for that day. Have an unwavering faith in That unseen power no matter how worse the situation is. I don't know whether it would change the situation or not, but it would surely change you to get you adjusted to the changed times.

Days pass, time flies by, but memories remain. Deep down in some corner of the heart and mind you still know what you really want. It might not make sense, it might seem to the remotest thing happening to you, may be, at times the most impossible thing you can ever imagine, but think about it, feel it, imagine it. Because we have been given this power just to fulfill our dreams. Dreams which we cannot fulfill in reality.

Just give it some time and it will make perfect sense one fine day. And when that day comes, you would probably laugh at yourself. But it was worth it.

‘Right’ ya ‘Wrong’

It’s not always the right or wrong that matters in life. We cannot decide each and every thing in life by checking whether it’s right or wrong. Because right and wrong is pretty much a relative term. What is right for one person might not be right for other. So, one cannot judge everything on the basis of right or wrong.

Life is strange and seems to miss the rules set by it. While most of the things go by the aforesaid rules of nature, some seem to sneak a peek through the defined algorithms and go the unwanted way. In technical terms we might call them ‘bug’ just because it goes the unwanted way. For this, however meager the part may be, we have to take extra care and make sure that we resolve the bug. During doing so we cannot follow the then so usual way of looking at it. This holds exactly true even for life. Some things have to be interpreted in different manner when it doesn’t go the desired way. Then it doesn’t matter if it was right or wrong. Only thing that matters is how well we tackle it.

How great this life would have been had it been governed only by the definition and differentiation of good or bad? But life usually seems to take a curve when you feel you are getting a hold of it. And that’s the best part of life. Probably uncertainity.

Sometimes ....

Sometimes hurt is needed to make you grow,
Failure is needed to make you know,
Loss is needed to make you gain,
Because some lessons are best when learned through pain.